


The ghosts in our head

by sp1lt_1nk



Series: they adopt a dog modern AU [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Disabled Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Dogs, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist With a Cane, Martin Blackwood Needs a Hug, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, References to Depression, Self-Worth Issues, Sleepy Cuddles, Trans Martin Blackwood, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:14:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27568069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sp1lt_1nk/pseuds/sp1lt_1nk
Summary: Martin is having a rough night, but Luna comes to the rescue!
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: they adopt a dog modern AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015494
Comments: 5
Kudos: 55





	The ghosts in our head

**Author's Note:**

> You don't need to read the first fic in the series, but it might make a bit more sense. Also I wrote this on my phone so I apologize for and spelling/ grammar errors.
> 
> TW for mentions of transphobia, description of intrusive thoughts in the form of old memories and self worth issues.
> 
> I am really projecting into Martin tonight ::) the poor guy

Even though Martin's mum is gone her voice still takes up permanent residence in his mind. She's been dead for a few years, and they hadn't talked much in the years leading up to her death, yet the voice in his mind sounds like she always had. He couldn't  
tell if it was worse today because he was in the process of switching medications or if it was because he was just feeling incredibly dysphoric. 

He'd just meant to get up and use the toilet, but he ended up staring at his reflection in the sterile whitewashed bathroom for far longer than he should. He wasn't wearing his binder, obviously Jon would have been cross with him and his back had been starting to ache so badly that he had no choice. His loose shirt did nothing to conceal his chest and Martin was having a hard time rationalizing that the person in the mirror was actually himself.

 _it's like you just want to take up space_ the voice in his head said in his mother's voice as he stared at himself, his premature grey hairs from stress, his bulky frame partially obscured by the loose shirt and partially accentuated at the same time. 

_why can't you just be normal? pick one issue. There's always too many problems with you, the rest of us learn to live with them_

Martin felt a lump forming in this throat but his mum's voice was only growing stronger. 

_what? Do you want me to call you my son now? No. Absolutely not. And you expect me to call you Martin? Is this what your teachers are calling you? I picked out your name so you are going to use it_

"No." He mumbled, no longer able to look at himself. The voice in his head seemed to split and echo but he could still perfectly understand it's words. 

_maybe if you thought about other people, you wouldn't be so messed up._ it occurs go Martin that these are her actual words. Things she said to him when he was 14, 15, 17. But now the voice was changing, it still sounded like his mum but it's his words. 

_you don't deserve this. It's all your fault I hated you._ the voice scoffed the way his mum used to _Did you actually think he could ever love you? A broken person? Ha! You can't do anything by yourself. You're so dependant, clingy. Who would ever want you, Martin._

He's aware that he should be upset, that he should be crying because the words themselves are horrid. But he's not, he's just standing in the cold, empty bathroom in the middle of the night, the words in his mind ricocheting around in his head and making him dizzy. 

It's just a voice. Just intrusive thoughts. He's okay, he can deal with this. 

He still can't look at himself in the mirror and somehow he's on the floor, he can't remember sitting down but the cold tile bites into his skin and he knows he should feel something, but he feels nothing. 

There was a noise from deep in their apartment and Martin should be worried; perhaps Jon's woken up or Luna thought someone broke in. Maybe someone had broken in. 

He didn't care, not really. 

He should, but he can't. 

He wanted to. Christ, he really wanted to. He wanted to cry because his therapist said it was normal. His friends were sad when he'd make an offhand remark about not being able to after finishing the Lord of the rings. He still can't cry, even when it feels like any moment it could all bubble up. The only thing that had ever made him cry in the past ten years were his parents and that one time he has a really high fever when he was 25. 

He just can't seem to do anything right.

He hears something, a clacking noise from the hallway and at first he thinks hazily that I could be Jon's new cane, it's hard plastic tip makes a sharp tap sound but not like this. 

Luna pads into the clinical light emanating from the bathroom. She looks happy to see him, one ear flopped inside out from sleeping on her back. 

He can't help but give a watery smile as she nosed his arms out of the way so she could crawl into his lap. As she settles down he realizes that his hands have been fisted in his hair so hard that his scalp throbs. He runs his fingers through Luna's fur instead, trying to ignore the way his fingers ache from being so tense. 

How long has he been sitting in their bathroom? 

When he starts to drift off again Luna nosed his hand roughly, annoyed that he's stopped petting her. Her nose is cold but the rest of her is so warm that Martin almost forgets he's sitting in their bathroom, all his thoughts are now preoccupied with the puppy in his lap. Luna's tail thumbs rhythmically on the floor.

Eventually his badder reminds him that he did come here for a purpose and he apologizes to Luna many times as he struggles to remove her from his lap. She whines but trots back into the rest of the apartment, probably to go cuddle with Jon. 

There's a groan and a few muffled sounds from their room and then a soft, very groggy "Martin?" 

Martin quickly finishes washing his hands and quietly returns to their room where his boyfriend is just starting to wake up. 

"Where- why- you were…" his incoherent thoughts were cut off by a yawn as Jon wraps his arms around Martin and pulls him under the covers. 

"Just had to use the restroom, sorry I woke you up."

"Was the dog," Jon mumbles into Martin's collarbone where he's pressed his face. Sometimes Martin is still surprised by how cuddly his boyfriend is when he's tired; he doesn't mind, of course. 

"Your hands are bloody cold," Jon complains as he pulls Martin's hands from where one's moved under Jon's shirt to the small of his back and the other is loosely wrapped around his shoulder. Jon takes his hands and pressed kisses to all the knuckles, rubbing warmth into his skin as he goes. It's the same thing Martin does when Jon's fingers are aching too much from the weather, or use, or just because Jon's hands are nice to hold. 

When he's done, Jon looks up at him, much more awake than a few minutes ago. "You were gone for a while, everything okay?" 

He wants to lie and way he just really had to piss, but that won't make anyone feel better. At best it will make him feel worse and Jon could take it at face value, but Jon knows him too well for that. 

"No, not really. Nothing terrible just… intrusive thoughts. Just some things mum said to me when…" he trails off, not wanting to say more but knowing he should. "I'm alright for now."

He's just tired and four in the morning is not the time to talk about the horrible things his mum used to say, not when he's got his dog and his boyfriend lovingly surrounding him.

"Can we talk about it in the morning?" He asks. "I just want to go back to sleep. You're so warm." 

"Just as long as we actually talk about it tomorrow. Are you sure you're okay? I can go sleep on-"

"No, not you're good here. I want you here." Martin says as he tugs Jon back into their previous position. He's still feeling hyperaware of his chest but not being able to see it helps.

"Oh." Jon bushes and as he tucks himself back under Martin's chin, pressing a soft kiss to the collum of his neck before settling in to go back to sleep. 

"Goodnight love, sleep well." 

"You too."

**Author's Note:**

> And then Luna wiggled her way between them because she loves affection


End file.
